18 Jun '24 

Here we are in June, mid June. I basically lost May; I barely knew it was here, and it is already gone. Yeah, I'm still shocked when time marches on. Ethan came home for summer break, a while ago, and I am hard pressed to remember the particulars ..... did we pick him up from Spokane, did he arrive in Seattle..? And Keelie seemed to simply stop going in to St. George's. That was probably two weeks ago. Last week, Sarah and Ethan flew to South Carolina. Regan and Karl also flew to South Carolina, at the end of their college tours with Preston. Preston and Alexa flew back to HI at the end of the tours, which were USC, UCSB, Oregon (somewhere), UW, and WWU. Mom and Dad packed up their abode into a U-Haul, and Karl & Reg drove the U-Haul from South Carolina to Spokane. The drive took four days... me thinks. Meanwhile, Sarah, Ethan, Mom and Dad flew from Charlotte to GEG, where I picked them up. Mom and Dad stayed for two days with us. We had the shower installed, which took three days, and it was completed the day before Mom and Dad arrived. We had some panic here as we were attempting to make the basement palatable for Mom (& Dad). We then dropped Mom and Dad off at the Visitors condo at the Evergreen Fountain living facility. Karl and Reg spent the night here, at our house, then the next day, we unloaded the U-Haul at Evergreen, and spent two days unloading boxes. Yesterday, I ferried Dad and Mom to Dad's skin appointment, then Mom to Fred Meyer. The day before, Ethan went with Sarah to Bellingham to get Rileigh. The trek home for them was interesting as we are still ironing out the issues of driving the EV across the state. Now that I am putting this down, I should clarify -to myself- the timeline of all this. Maybe I'll do that on a future edit.... 

It was rather rainy today. Yesterday wasn't much different. The sun was out for Reg and Karl, yet the talk was how cool it was. So I guess my perception is that it has been less than summery type weather thus far, in this season that I have traditionally labelled: summer. 

Don't Sink the Boat

                21 Mar working with Marc Mast, JK

                  and Marc's sitski design,  in Sun Valley 

                 19Mar sledhockey with ParaSport Spokane & Boise

                                               12Mar Schweitzer

    To be honest, I think these pics are an attempt to: "See, I am doing something edifying." Defend myself, in other words. ...to...myself?  

    So,  I suppose I should elaborate a bit. I will agree that these are pics of me having fun, or in the least enjoying myself. A nagging voice in my head labels the post: "selfish". And then I proclaim that selfish is bad, and should be avoided. Thus, continuing said activities should be avoided. Where I hope the posting deviates from selfish, is in that I am engaged in these activities which help others. Incidentally, One pic post, I missed, was the trip to Pullman for the Cougar Crew 50th (mostly because I don't have pictures) -I suppose I am still talking to myself... I may be trying to convince myself to stop critiquing myself.  yeah. because in-between these shots, I am going back to bed when the others leave the house. Additionally, It can take four days to make an appointment to get the tires rotated. My "in-between pics" actions, basically because of fear. fear of stuff I have created; stories, narratives, "failure" creates in activity - non edifying activity. Anyway, I do think it is fair, that compared to pics like these, sweeping the floor, and other household chores, pale in comparison, and it is a different effort needed to engage in the "menial tasks". Rather intriguing that "menial tasks" take so much less effort than all the effort surrounding the pics (Manicured snow and ice, chair lifts, distance travelled, organizing schedules of other people, etc.) Yet, building motivation is so much more difficult to do those thigs which require so much less effort to accomplish... And "menial tasks" should be deemed edifying. Maybe this rant is about me judging what is edifying and what is not.    Well, that is where I am.

    Large patches of white are lingering. As a skier, it makes skiing look a possibility. For someone who wants to enjoy the water, it is less positive. And it may not instill the urge to ride for cyclists, yet if one felt the air temperature, one may quickly switch to thoughts of rides. 

    I feel guilty. I also feel old. It bothers me, that I am not partaking in all these activities alluded to here. Add to this, the DAV Winter Sports Clinic is this week (which stirs the thoughts that are so buried and far away). Instead, I am focusing on the aches in my body. Also, the limits - I cannot ride 20 miles on a whim. My bed is comfy, I can lay in bed for quite a while. I can also take in entertainment in the form of podcasts on comedy history and entertainment culture, videos of history or sporting events, then be interested in geographical locations brought up leading to google Map searches, and so much more (like actual produced shows). This leads to the conflict in my head of what is edifying. Where will I be satisfied? 

The kids, are not really kids anymore. The twins are 19, and Keelie starts high school in the fall. This fact weighs in on my mood. It really helps me feel "old" anyway. Which then leads me to feel insecure about what I am doing. Yet does not seem to give me that motivation to go "do". Just don's sink the boat that I built to keep afloat.

 It is so easy to consume my time with something that is already created.

    My go-to earlier today was YouTube and what is available through that service regarding college football games. I do spend a fair amount of time watching the highlights, and recorded games available on YouTube. I don't know how it works, I don't know why it works, I simply know I can click on YouTube and soon I am watching games. Tragically, I am to the point where I am hard pressed to remember what I just watched. I find an interest as I scan YouTube, a team to root for as it were. But when Sarah asks what I am watching, that interest seems rather silly.

    Today, for example, I was watching the highlights from South Dakota Sate and Southern Illinois. (I think the game was played last weekend) The Jack rabbits vs the Salukis. I had no idea who these teams were. Ethan, looking over my shoulder as I was watching on the computer in the kitchen, asked if this was division II. I don't know-which helps illustrate that I had no idea who these teams were. I am aware that these are small schools. That said, I am impressed with the Jack Rabbit field: it is rather impressive for the population of South Dakota, in my opinion. My first thought would be a large high school stadium, maybe even a Joe Albi, but this was more like Martin stadium in Pullman. What I do like about this level of competition, is that these guys are not "as perfect" as the guys the big stations are broadcasting on Sat - these smaller school's teams are all a little more human than the D I powerhouses like Alabama, Michigan, UW, etc. Regardless, I had very little invested in this game. I was aware that SDSU are the Jack Rabbits, yet if this had been a "fill in the blank" test, I probably would have gotten it wrong. But I had NO idea: 1. there is a Southern Illinois University, 2. what is a Saluki? I had an easier time wrapping my brain around a Southern Illinois University. I mean, Illinois has a lot of people in and around it, so it stands to reason that there are enough people around to make a Southern Illinois school. Incidentally, when one searches SDSU, San Diego State pops up first, then UCLA, USD, and some other Cal schools. This simply to say that South Dakota has a small population, thus a smaller school system. so much so that a City school has more popularity. Anyway, through some research I discover a Saluki is a breed of dog. A dog  apparently bred for hunting in the "fertile valley", whish seems to mean an area of Egypt and Tigris and Euphrates region. Cool. So, I got something "educational" out of my inactivity. Useful? most likely not. "neat"? sure. The word of the day is: was it edifying? And that is the conundrum. I am really struggling with purpose, usefulness, etc. So easy to "consume" product already created. And then what am I contributing? How much am I required to contribute?  Is consuming and discovering Salukis and Jack Rabbits enough?

The struggle with contribution and purpose I think is punctuated with age. I am looking at photos of the kids, and other example like foot prints in concrete (the stepping stones from Grammies garden). I think these things illustrate what could have been, what was, and where are we now. I mean, I have always watched, appreciated, product already created, but now there is so much content in my "memory catalogue". It seems to make me pause and reflect, to judge, and ask what is it for -is it worth it? How much am I entitled to?  

 It's a slow day. I am grateful that no one is depending on me for anything. Nor do I have to go into the office. We arrived home at midnight after Two weeks in Hawaii. Those two weeks seems to have drained me. Pretty loose schedule kept, not a lot of activities to record. Mostly hang out at the beach, eat dinner with Karl and Regs. And yet I am smoked. 

In many ways it is easier to travel with the kids these days than in former years. Yet there are still challenges. We used to pack their travel bag, which seems to have controlled the size of the bag as well as what was in it. The carry on, on this trip seemed a bit excessive and I was less aware of what was being carried.

We left Spokane about mid day, flew to Seattle, leisure layover in Seattle, and arrived Hawaii early afternoon. Spokane was smoky. Not really dense, or at least lighter smoke than it had been. The temps were moderate. Delta offered almost no hassles in the form of changed schedules; mostly the day went as planned. However we did start with a slight hiccup. Apparently the first flight of Delta's day out of Spokane had been adjusted. We arrived to check one bag in, and the line was extensive, and not moving. It seems the adjusted flight involved international travelers. I could feel angst in the air, and there were some addressing the gate agents in interesting accents. Maybe French? I think safe to say Euro, at least. The flight to Seattle is nearly always enjoyable as I look out the window and appreciate what we are flying over. The 40mins or so goes quickly. For the longer leg, over the ocean, I depend on entertainment. It is quite remarkable what is available these days. Our 5hr flight went quickly, hardly felt like 5hrs. The brain numbs, and time simply slips by. Delta offered a screen on the back of the chair in front, ear buds, and a sizeable library of movies, TV shows/series. and music. I think I listened to a podcast, and some shows... but I cant remember, -mind numbing. But in this case a numb mind is justified, is it not? We arrived in HI in sunshine, midday. One interesting thing about traveling west. The question becomes: are extended hours of sunlight a good thing? Regardless, Karley picked us up. We picked up some Jamba, & Starbucks, then headed to Punahau High School to pick up Preston from his Band Camp. Then headed to Bellows, met up with Regan and had Popeye's in our accommodation for the next week, the newer condos at the end of the former runway near the Moks (the two little islands just off the beach). Sarah and I had a trip to Kaneohe Marine air base where we got her new ID, and then picked up food items at the commissary and BX. Otherwise, our days for that week involved hanging out on the Bellows beach and then heading to Reg and Karl's for dinner. We did have one road trip to the North Shore for fish tacos. The second week, we stayed at the Hale Koa in Waikiki, and still had dinners at Reg and Karl's near Kailua. We did not spend much time on the beach in Waikiki, we did visit the pool which is beach adjacent. The pool has been renovated since we were there last - which reminds me of the passage of time. The pool now has an elevated tank, which is considered an infinity pool. there is a slide, a ramp, a beach like entry and a large splash pad in a pirate ship theme. There was one day we spent on Kailua beach at a Friend of Reg and Karl's, another day we went to Waimea Falls(which was a trickle this time), and the kids got surfing lessons on another day. 

Karley drove us to the airport, after Regan left for work, we had French toast bake, and Alexa was dropped off at school. There was minor chaos checking in and going through security. Rather smooth but I did miss a pair of raptors then an F-15 land. So that was a setback for me. The whole trip, I only got fleeting images of passing cool vehicles. There is so much military activity on the island, and I could only get views from a distance. This is an example of how this trip was not for me- what I wanted was not important. I did enjoy myself. It's just that this trip was for Sarah and the kids. So me wanting to watch military activity took "the back seat". I was there to be with the family, not because I deserved a trip to HI. The beach is not exactly my idea of a good time anyway. I have always put up with the heat, sand, salt water, and intense sun, however since the injury, and into my "later years", it is harder to look beyond these hurdles. So, the airport was good, regardless of the stress induced by other passengers wanting to be somewhere else and such. The over ocean flight went by quick, once again. Most likely due to my entertainment. We flew over the Puget Sound from Olympia, and turning over Lynnwood or so, as the evening glow was dissipating. As I looked west, the sky was still blue. But as I looked East, as we were on final, the sky looked black. We were unnecessarily panicky I feel. Maybe the "we" was Rileigh, and myself, with Keelie simply keeping up. We seemed to race to our gate, which was only from A gates to B gates. And maybe we weren't panicked per se.  Either way, we had McD's as we waited for our gate to receive our plane and unload passengers, then receive our crew. We seemed to be the last flight arriving in GEG, as we appeared to be the only ones at the airport. 

and now getting used to not being on vacation any more.

Same as it Ever Was

and time marches on.

    I am a broken record on that topic. "All right we get it Sean, things change." I noticed this space has been a log of sorts. ....with lots of gaps. It is interesting in that it has much potential, yet we have not used all its potential. Instead, we have used other spaces. I think this space encourages editing and putting in effort, whereas the other spaces, like FaceBook, or Instagram, require much less effort. To blog, I feel I should not simply blurt out, or vent. I feel I should be writing a rough draft then, editing. All that work! (seriously? is it really all that hard?)  -I wonder- Would I have used this medium more fully, had I been exposed when I was college age, or just out of college? or High School? Is all this on my blog recorded for me? Or am I hoping someone else sees? is it useful to me? I think I want to believe that this blog is for family and friends. That it is a way for us to interact. But is it effective for that purpose? Maybe too polished; too "formal" -because I come up short in the presentation. I mean, now, all the typos are more glaring. The words used can be critiqued. In other words, the shortfalls become more glaring; more impactful.    Aaannd now I'm spending too much time second guessing and attempting to be more clear.  

    I do tend to treat this space as a journal, or diary. Yet, I suppose it shows, that I should not do that. I became aware of its limitations as a diary. for one, I should not put down unedited thoughts in a community space. I have a difficult time editing myself in a productive way. (Now I think I am writing this for a "future me"). How permanent is this space? I have to admit I was a little surprised that I could still log in. I'm still deciding what this blog thing is.

    My "old guy" brain still cannot wrap itself around the digital age. Its impact on us. How dependent we are on it, What we can expect from it.

    Right now:(with my lack of preparation, and with what is important to me, result: facts are lacking)

Ethan and Rileigh are enrolled in classes at NIC. They are Jr.s in high school at this point. I am not sure the title of this situation. Dual enrolled? They are on a schedule where MWF is different from T,Th, and class is held at NIC, but sometimes on line.

Keelie is enrolled at Hayden Canyon Charter. She has a more standard primary school schedule of off to school at 7, done by 4, Fridays off.

Sarah is the curriculum director at HCC. -which most people interpret as vice principal. 

Impactful events This past year: 

In June, a few days before his birthday, Clark passed away. I'm still "raw", and I'm still working out what this means to me. Guilt, loss, lethargy, detachment..... all these things. Switch the order around however we like, i.e.;  Detachment, loss, lethargy, guilt. And then jumble them up again. That's what my brain is doing whenever the topic arises. 

 Mom and Dad will be moving to South Carolina in Nov. -still a gut punch to me. Though I am logically aware that this type of thing is normal, that this is OK. I think the reality is, that I thought I had a picture of what the future was going to look like, and this messes up my predictions in a tangible way.

COVID-19 arrived last spring. A strange, lethal flu arrived on the American continent sometime around FEB. Earlier, It had hit China and Italy hard. We were not and are not prepared. But it's vagueness has undermined a lot. It has disrupted our "way of life". It's literal effects to my family can be felt at "arms reach", or in other words: we know somebody who knows somebody that got really sick. Regardless, it has disrupted all schedules. As for us, We did not take a summer trip to the east coast, Ethan did not go to the water polo summer camp. We have not had the kids at school- on campus in a normal way since March. We are avoiding crowds, and activities which promote gatherings had stopped. (The summer Olympics/Paralympics have been pushed to next summer, and there are no scheduled ParaNordic competitions this winter) I'm fine, however it is feeding my lethargic side. Although, it has encouraged me to ride more.... and would I have had the time to explore blogspot? 

Time

COVID has adjusted my concept of time, or how to fill it. My focus is much more local. Additionally, I have been exposed to "podcasts". -people talking and recording it. They talk more freely than if they were interviewed. 

    Last year was a "Low year" for me.(this is not a precise timeline, it is not a fiscal year, nor an exact 365day period, but an inexact period of time) 2019 may have rivalled 1999. Remember I suffered the spinal cord injury in Oct of '98, and the rods to "fix me" got infected? Only 5 surgeries or so to remedy the situation. But they were big enough to me. All thoracic and, 10 or so hrs each, under the knife. More impactful was the drastic change in daily expectations. As for 2018/2019 there was no dramatic injury, the drama came from not competing in ParaNordic skiing anymore. I had found an honorable place in competing in international adaptive sport. But it is intense. You cannot just do it half heartedly. It seems I was judged to not put in enough effort. I also chose to not put more effort into it. That may be where the real hit to me was. In other words, no one really kicked me out, or let me go. I chose to not step up to the challenge. To be fair to me, the bar is set pretty high, there are not many people who can accept that challenge. Also, I may have "skated" into the world of international competition and had an unrealistic perception of the expectations. Regardless, in '19, my training was no longer the motivation in our house. I now had to fit my activities around the requirements of the house. In this way, I have become more sedentary, less physically active. 

    Also, we enrolled the twins at Gonzaga Prep, and I was supposed to facilitate Keelie's home schooling. Sarah worked for WSU in a STEM program in the Spokane area school districts. I spent a lot of time in the Sienna, and flailing at being a teacher. Many opportunities were squandered. Many days where I assessed that I had not maximized my time with Keelie. Driving back and forth to G-Prep thinking: "ah, I coulda/shoulda..."

    This is a synopsis of the past "year". I guess I'll see if I add to this or not. -when I read this a few years from now, and remember how I wanted to use these tools to "do something".

Some photos from Nordic skiing this year:

@Mt. Spokane

@Farrugut

@Schweitzer

@ Schweitzer

@Mt. Spokane

This year has been a good year for skiing. We had some good temps, and the week before Christmas, there was some good snow accumulation.

revisited Finsterau

    I got back from a week in Finsterau Germany for a World Cup, last Wednesday. I flew Delta..well, Horizon to Portland, Delta to Amsterdam, and KLM to Munich. I met the rest in Munich. I had to meander (with assistance thankfully) to Terminal 2 from 1, and wait an hour. -Room for growth there- How does one kill one hour, whilst not leaving four bags unattended? I sat there. I did roll with my teetering cart to the restroom. I also chatted with Klebl as they were organizing to go to their hotel way-point. When the rest of the US arrived,(Andy,Oksana, Joy, Mia ,Farra, D$, Eileen, & BA) we had a meal in the airport, then loaded a small bus for the 2hr jaunt to Hohenauer.  We stayed in the Hohenauer Hof, along with Canada, VI Russians, France, & Germany. Andy and I roomed together. Breakfast was delicious, dinners were great, lunch was at the venue in a "beer tent". Hohenau was about 20 min from the venue in Finsterau. The commute was mostly pleasant as we toured the German countryside near the Czech border. The beer tent was also an athlete lounge, as well as where all the fans ate and mingled. It got crowded once or twice, but mostly worked out well. Two bathrooms, accessible, for everyone. There were lines occasionally. Not ideal, but again worked for the most part. We had a nice dump of snow the night of opening ceremonies, then three days of rain, and rain like weather before we got back to some regular winter weather. On one off day, we took a ski tour, to the Czech border, where there was a memorial to the iron curtain. The trip home started with everyone in a van. The US guys were dropped at the airport, and I was taken to a hotel nearby to wait for my flight the following day. -another area of growth, as i sat in the room and rested all day- I flew KLM out of Munich, supposed to be 7am . It snowed 1cm, so Munich had to clear runways and such, which delayed me an hour, changing the schedule for the day. I was supposed to fly to Seattle then Spokane. Instead, in Amsterdam, I was rerouted to Minneapolis, then Spokane. Instead of a 4pm arrival in Spokane, it was midnight.
      I had a good time. I miss the fun. I do not miss the stress I feel before and during travel. Im not a very good traveler. And I dont do well with unknowns. And as I stated, when given an open schedule, I choose to do nothing, squandering opportunities. I felt I did not have the ability to use my time in a different way due to Low funds, and inability to budget time left me to inactivity. Still, to hang with the youngins, and to be in the environment of people pushing their limits was invigorating. At times it depresses me, as I am shown how little I do. But in all, it is a bit of an escape from the real world, into a world that is a bit more hopeful. Next for me, is a trip scheduled to Mammoth CA to help coach some new participants to adaptive Nordic.